Friday, January 25, 2013

A rough day & cup cakes;
the road to redemption...

Where to start. I realized when I opened my "dash board" on my blog... it's been almost 1 entire year since I've written. Lets call it a serious case of writers block... seriously. I don't know if I lost my confidence, got busy, or both... everyone has a blog now and there are so many mommies who are GREAT bloggers... I read them, I would know.

Here I am again, after a much less than perfect day...
Feeling inspired to tell other mommies...

it's ok.

I've been feeling EXTRA tired. I'm pregnant with number 3, wrestling two wild little boys all day and barely keeping up. We're a one vehicle family so the boys and I often find ourselves home bound... or worse, with two boys... APARTMENT BOUND. Yes, I'm raising two toddler boys, ages 2 & 4 in a small 3 bedroom apartment. This apartment has been provisional, it's been a blessing. We're so grateful. It's met a need in our lives.

But I'm OVER it... in a thankful sort of way.
(yes, that's possible)

My sons are much like their mother was as a child. VERY energetic, kind of rough (what boy/ tom girl (in my case) isn't?) they're the boys you find shaping guns from paper and sticks, throwing anything round, and wearing capes and various super hero personas from day to day...

daily I find myself saying things like:




And so on and so forth
(if you've got boys, you know what I'm talking about)

So here's my point...

Today was a day like any other... almost. Mommy, with a little less energy than usual since baby #3 already seems to have an affinity for keeping me up all night.

I put the boys down for a nap, and my sweet, slightly facebook illiterate mom (haha momma) stopped by (for help with her business facebook page) along with my little sister.

Blaise (2.5) would NOT go to sleep because he knew his Aunt Tay Tay was roaming around somewhere and he determined to get her one way or another.

Even if that meant getting up 42 times

Eventually, even under the threat of losing his ice cream sunday later, he began jumping... which lead to him falling, his chin hitting the railing, and him biting through his bottom lip. He's okay, but there was lots of blood and a sick moment when I realized how bad that must have hurt!

*insert mommy sobs here*

Ice cream sunday, STAT! You know... to reduce swelling.

Levi (4) woke up shortly there after and I decided it was okay to veg and watch movies since we were extra tired and puny. We played with magneatos, and watched a couple of movies. Dinner time came and I made tacos...

and that's where the drama began.

We were only a little into the movie we were watching, so I let the boys sit at their art trays to eat dinner. Blaise decided this would be a good time to wrestle.

I told him not to get up several times, and as I was about to get up to put him in time out, he jumped on top of Levi and started beating on him which lead to Levi kicking over his entire tray of food.

Did I mention this is the third time a massive bowl/plate of food has landed in the floor in a weeks time?

First there was a bowl of chili, then there was a bowl of broccoli cheese soup which despite my scrubbing (twice) didn't smell so nice for a couple of days.

As I said before, tonight I made tacos... and they each had a little bowl of salsa.

taco flies open, home made taco seasoning w/ lots of red chilli powder/sour cream/cheese... oozes all over the floor.

I Yelled.

Then I fussed.

A lot.

I picked Levi up and plopped him down at his tray, I got onto Blaise for trying to pound Levi's head in. All the while fussing, yelling, crying... all out of frustration.

And then I sobbed out of anger at myself. This moment had me so overwhelmed and so upset (partially hormones I'm sure of it) but it couldn't excuse my behavior in my mind. I panicked. "If I can't handle this, what am I going to do with 3 kids!" "I'm not a good mom" "They deserve a better mommy" (hello lies from the devil!) (hello irrational pregnant woman who knows the snare of the enemy but falls right into it... because she's SO stinking irrational!)

"Speak with love, or not at all"
(My momma always said)
My mom wasn't raised in the best environment, she had a very difficult childhood, all the way until young adult hood.  She has a testimony that would blow your mind. She is incredible, and though she wasn't perfect, she strove to show us love, to be patient, to teach us even when we weren't teachable. My mom, like all moms, had her moments where we were being out of hand and she just couldn't take it anymore... or we pushed to hard with rebellious teenage tongues...

But she NURTURED us... and that's what I want to be for my children.

I called my husband sobbing, declaring my awfulness, my imperfections raw in the still moist eyes of my sweet little ones. I cried and cried and cried... and he couldn't get me to listen. My mom beeped in. I hesitated b/c I knew she'd know something was wrong and she would worry. I beeped over anyway, and of course almost immediately she could tell I'd been crying. She asked what was wrong and I told her what had happened.

Grace and Love

That's what I received, and what I had received from my husband but was unwilling to hear in that moment.

I'm sure most young mothers who are having subsequent children have moments where they think "AHHHHHHHHH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!... how will I do it all"

I just appreciated the moment where Aaron (hubby) and my mom said "Sunshine, you're a wonderful mommy" and acknowledged that I do a pretty good job considering my highly active, too intelligent for their ages children (and I don't mean that as a brag) they are just super smart, they need to stay BUSY all the time. They're easily bored. They need dirt, worms, and a play ground... they need a yard to run through with our dogs.

I'm believing God for a yard... and a mini van.

It was good to hear, I'm not the only one. Every mommy has her moments... and you can always find the sweetness.

After calming down, and receiving God's grace, I pulled each of my boys into my lap and took a moment to praise all that is wonderful about him, to apologize for yelling, to ask forgiveness and to forgive... and then we prayed together that God would restore any wounds the moment had caused.

I know I'll have many more moments like this in motherhood...

This one was just paticularly profound for me.
I don't have to be perfect. I do my very best to love them, to serve them, to have grace for them, to build them up & praise all the goodness in who they are... and when I fail. God's grace is sufficient for me. Where I am weak, there He is found.

As much as they need grace from me, I need grace from them too. Tonight I received so much... From my husband, my mom, my children. They were all letting me know it's okay to fail sometimes. I am loved and they always see the good in me, they always love me and forgive me no matter what I do. What grace I have received. What love I have.

To top off all the sweet love I received despite my "moment", there was a knock on the door a little while later, it was my sweet daddy... with a box of gourmet cupcakes from him and my mom... just to tell me it's okay and they loved me. Of course I shared one with the monkeys (sprinkles of course)... it was such a fun way for them to end a kind of a yucky evening.

When we least deserve it, that's when God reminds us that He loves us the most.

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