cleaning house...

CHORE # 1: BE ON TIME...

Some times I ask myself (and God) why so many things have to change at one time. I like to say I'm good at keeping up with the pace. but many of my friends who know me well... know I run rather behind. You know that saying "oh, her... she'll be late to her own funeral"... yea, that's me. Actually, I can imagine worse has been said by disgruntled friends and family members who always seem to be waiting on me to catch up.

I don't know what it is. It's like I was born in slow motion (36 hrs it took me to arrive on this planet I believe) and I've moved in slow motion ever since. It's sort of a family joke.

No matter how hard I try. Someone poops. Someone pee's. Someone loses a shoe, or a lunch box or an eye... Someone spills milk down the front of their shirt... 

 

It's insanity I'm telling you.

I've decided (rather God has decided) it's time for some house cleaning starting with number uno. me, myself, and I... and I'm going to be there on time...

I asked advice via Facebook today (dangerous I know) but I needed tips and tricks on time savers for other mommy friends. I got some good advice... though some times I still swear their are unseen forces at work when I'm rushing to go somewhere (unseen b/c they're out of my line of sight... I.E 3 ft and under) 

See, It's not always my fault...

CHORE # 2: INSECURITY; YOU MAKE ME UGLY CRY, AND MESS UP MY MAKE UP. 

We're breaking up...

God is doing a bigger work in my life. My desire to worship has grown immensely in the last few weeks... listening to bible studies and worship music daily. I was SO dry but I'm starting to feel that hunger... only the hunger you can know if you've eaten before and your body knows it needs food, so when you're "empty" you stomach growls... or in my case... my heart longs. 

God has removed things from my life lately... and sometimes, frankly, the refinement process sucks.

 It's not fun to see how wrong you've been, how distracted you've been... how you've let your heart get to a place you shouldn't have. Sometimes it takes jumping over a hurdle (or 127) to get to your "ah ha moment" annnnnd If you're anything like me; sometimes you look a short distance away and realize there was a taxi waiting to take you to said cerebral break through. HELLO flashing neon sign atop of said Taxi... MAYBE I should have listened to you honking the horn 127 hurdles ago?!?!?!?!?! Okay, what am I talking about? Some times God says "don't go there, there's a better way" and sometimes our stubborn little human selves go the long/hard/I have short legs and it's hard to jump this high way... because we just HAVE to learn the hard way... 

 

 To be brutally honest...

I've always struggled with insecurity, always hoping to belong to this group or that... always wanting to have someone who understands, someone to talk to. At times I've neglected the One who knows me best though... I think God has removed certain things from my life, some of those being friendships that really mattered to me... all because I didn't realize that I had allowed insecurity in these friendships to eat at me. Insecurity can be a nasty thing because it can warp your perspective and make little things big, and hurt more painful. It put me in such a negative frame of mind... and I HATED that feeling. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a pretty bubbly kind of girl... but oh how the woes of insecurity can make the bubble burst. Such an ugly tool of the enemy, it really is. I am really hard on myself... I re-think, double think and over think about how I could've, should've, would've.... but could've, should've would've will kill you, or make you look like a bumbling idiot in the least. I have been guilty of this. Insecurity will make a moron out of you...it will make a mole hill a mountain and a dip a crater. I think we all struggle with it to an extent... but it's one of my deeper personal struggles.

Two VERY random dealings God's been having with me... but they are two of my biggest and I'm so "there" right now.

But can I please say... I have been filled with more JOY, and more PEACE in the last couple of weeks than in the last year. HOORAY for Godly change

Always - The Shine

Friend.

First I will say... we are in an incredible place of discovery in our marriage, as parents, in a new home... I am SO blessed. I am SO thankful. I am SO amazed...

but my heart has been heavy lately.

I've always really struggled with dwelling on things, hurting over them, milling over them, stewing about what I should have done differently. I'm very hard on myself...

I care too much about what people think of me... I always have. I have been known to wear make up to the grocery store, change my imperfect outfit 62 times, or duck when I see someone I know and my "face" isn't done... 

hahaha... 

I'm working on it.

BUT there's one area where I really  have to stop... 

I have to stop losing sleep over what people are thinking, or saying, or how I make people feel. Granted, it is important to guard the feelings of others BUT when it's at your own detriment, it's not healthy, and not okay. I'm supposed to care more about what God says than what other people are saying or what I'm afraid they're saying... and I have to realize that if and when people are saying things, be they untrue, skewed, manipulated or just misunderstood... I have to trust that God will vindicate me.

Have I ever said more about someone then I should have, yes. 

Have I ever gossiped, yes.  

 I think most women alive struggle not to do these things... 

women are hard on each other...

I have tried to be a good friend though, I really have. Have I always succeeded, no. Have I always been what I needed to be, no. Have I always not allowed what others said or did not to cloud my judgment... unfortunately no. 

I think we're all guilty of that.

I do think we should all try to pour into one another and serve one another to the best of our ability... it's worth it whether people appreciate it or not. If you can evaluate your friendships and say you've helped, not harmed. We're honest, even if it's uncomfortable. Poured into and invested in others as much as you would want them to pour into and invest in you... you should be proud. You can walk away knowing you chose to do the right thing.

Friendships are intended for the purpose of growth. Encouraging one another in relationships with the Lord, encouraging one another as mothers, and wives... growth... not fear, intimidation, manipulation and bad mouthing one another. It's all so shallow and empty... sure when it's new, it's fun for a period of time... but then comes the true test... a disagreement (stemming from sheer emotional exhaustion preparing for deployed husbands to come home bahaha@Mal)  an annoying flaw,  (2 weeks in a hotel room together in a foreign country... @Ashley V. hahahahaha) an ugly rumor or assumption ... in the places of weakness where the front we pose falls away and we just are who we really are... true friends love one another beyond those things, faults, flaws... even downright annoyances. When it's genuine and real, friends can A.) confront in love if it annoys you that badly or B.) accept that those things are just part of who that person is and love them anyway. That's depth...

Even if they are a PMSing B-AH...

(hahaha, yes, I really said that... it happens)

Friendships are not about what people will do for you, make you, or give you. Friendships are about the people involved in them and how they push each other to grow and be better people. Friendships are supposed to be a safe place, when you can confide in one another without fear  of judgment, or of that confidence being broken, where you can go when you need to be heard... or just be told everything will be okay, "I will walk this out with you." where you can go and be honest, and know you'll receive honesty in return.

There are different types of friends:

• the ones you call to talk to when you need to be heard.
• the ones that make you relax, let your hair down and laugh till you pee yourself
• the ones that walk out the hard times right along side you, and are there for many a tear
• the ones who recognize you need to be confronted, or encouraged to do the right thing
• the ones that sharpen and refine you... 

All of these qualities (and the ton more I didn't name) can be found in one person, five people, three people... everyone has different things to offer one another. 

But they all have common threads. an attitude of servitude and grace, acceptance and forgiveness, faithfulness and honesty...

 God is just teaching me what it means to have a friend, and what it means to be a friend...

I can say this... I am so incredibly thankful for my friendships. 

 I hope that I can pour into your lives as you've poured into mine...

on a lighter note...

oh my gosh I just realized... I'm a grown up.... 

HA HA HA............